Monday, 1 July 2013, BEIJING - Hello readers sorry about all the mail we externs have been getting behind on these days. But who can keep track of all those p.o. box keys and renewals and everything anyway. No worries about the headline just some drunk tech yuppie left his algorithms and his mePhone 9 when we dragged him out of the street over his protests, last thing we saw of him he went screaming off toward the bad part of town trailing one hundred dollar bills.
Now what about the daily posts that sometimes appear to come out only, well, not every day? All we can say is we cannot be responsible for the entire world wide web. We duly send off the pigeons each morning (sometimes by one minute past midnight to beat the "Newspapers of Record" whatever they are) from all over the world except our bureaus on rapidly melting but still cool icebergs and big growing deserts which are really getting hot these days. Please no mail about the "pigeon launchings" which of course are only committed or rather celebrated where allowed in fact encouraged by law like lots of places here in our friendly local host country, and they are fed a working wage.
And in other areas short of pigeons as determined by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (the U.S. "Livin' The Wild Life Serve Us"?) and private oil refineries which if we remember the tv ads from our childhoods correctly are kind of like national parks only where everything dies of natural people-made pollution or when parts of the refinery blow up by accident because they are so busy drug-testing the "safety sensitive" workers and interrogating them over 50% "false positives" (because they use the cheap tests when they should be checking for BTEX in their blood anyway) that they are like zombies made to work either triple-shifts or get fired or at least make them work every weekend and holiday for the next five years). Speaking of which if they gave former failed animal husbandry major Texas Idiot Governor Rick "Six-Shooter" Perry a PET scan we bet they would have taken him straight from that debate to the ICU (please, anywhere but Texas, we have a drug discount card) found a cortex full of methylethylbenzene helps keep the air, well . . . .
Back to our original digression (no you cannot digress from your starting point) of course most of the correspondence we receive would not be publishable or even maybe mentionable under our strict policies because one can only say so much about that which. . . . All we have to say is three days from now the Founding Fathers will be twirling in their graves. At least since these idiots have to say an oath to the Constitution, could they not maybe as well be made to read it! It does after all have a part on amending it. If they get one wrong, no let's be fair and lower the bar, if they cannot get even a single question on it right, we say take away their gun and stick a pocket U.S. Constitution in it.
After all even in the CBS 1968 News Special Mr. Justice Hugo L. Black admitted he always carried one in his pocket because HE could not remember every word of it. (It was kind of a stupid question to ask him, although he DID use the example of why we find the word "No" in the First Amendment and "unreasonable" in the Fourth. He was in his eighties and had yet to write the Pentagon Papers decision).
Please do not even get us going on how they have ignored the Ninth Amendment. Do not worry we will all have time to read it from prison between being waterboarded and shocked on the genitals while attacked naked by German Shepherds because for what we said on Mugbook about Monsanto fifteen years ago. That is if they are handing out reading material. Please do not say we did not tell you so. We told you so.
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