United States Rushes Charter Flights to Repatriate U.S. Citizens in Japan

17 March 2011, New York, New York - Barely more than twelve hours after the lead spokesperson for the United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission blithely observed that neither earthquakes nor nuclear reactor accidents were possible in the United States, and all nuclear reactor construction and operations would continue as usual, the NRC realized that it had no basis whatsoever for its statements.
     As Japanese nuclear reactor radiological catastophic events continued to escalate out of control, the United States just hours ago began charter flights to evacuate United States citizens from Japan. Just yesterday the United States lagged far behind many other nations in taking immediate steps to protect and evacuate their citizens in Japan. The United States meanwhile until late yesterday advised Americans in Japan that they "might think about staying about fifty miles away" from the rapidly deteriorating reactors as they spewed radiation now being monitored by countries around the world.
     The United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission is not known to employ any scientists or anyone with any real knowledge of radiation or nuclear reactors. As demonstrated until hours ago, the NRC's sole priority was to insure that nuclear reactor business interests on New York stock exchanges were "safe" from plummeting shares and that nuclear reactor business continued as usual in the United States. This included an announcement that the latest nuclear reactor being built between heavily populated areas of Texas in Houston and San Antonio would not be delayed from going on-line for a moment.
     Texas Governor Rick "Fed Up" Perry apparently currently is being briefed on what "radiation" actually is, or will be when he wakes up late Thursday morning. Aides expect to have to break the news to him that Texas actually does have nuclear reactors and that now probably would not be a good time for Mr. Perry and his wife to take one of their extremely frequent lengthy trips to Japan to attract Japanese tourists to Texas. Mr. Perry reportedly has had an extremely difficult time grasping that the world events of the past week are neither a Mexican "plot" nor a Texas-Mexico "border issue."
     All the staff of the Ninth Amendment above all reiterates its deepest sympathy, compassion, and prayers for all those in Japan and their loved ones everywhere. The Ninth Amendment wishes the injured speedy and full recoveries, and may the lost rest in peace.

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