Wednesday, 20 April 2011, WASHINGTON, D.C. - We hope by now you have duly paid the Man for your Times digital subscription and are not GETTING THE NEW YORK TIMES ABSOLUTELY FREE SIMPLY BY SETTING YOUR FIREFOX BROWSER TO "PRIVATE BROWSING". Today the Ninth Amendment would like to salute the brave air Transportation Safety Administration ("TSA") agents who are the ones in the snazzy uniforms and are truly the final gatekeepers to the sky, a bench, a restroom-like place without fixtures, and who knows where else, depending on your luck.
The Ninth Amendment proposes a new national holiday in their honor with a name something like "National Transportation Safety Administration Worker Day and Long Lunch". This name for the holiday not only conveys the dignity of the event and that of the women and men who serve in this patriotic position. It also reflects that they probably also would need to work on "their holiday" so Americans, or rather big businessman and top government official whose jets are in the shop, would not get angry that all the airports were closed.
Although many of us have experienced TSA gatekeepers napping on the floor, it does not get you as worried as the thought that there is a fair chance that your air traffic controller is asleep during your night flight. Or that your Northwest pilot and crew has been drinking all night and carries pot and pipes in their carry-on luggage which they light up and then allow autopilot safely to guide you home or at least land the plane somewhere before it runs out of gas and drinks and peanut mix.
After just a few short years of its being in existence, many many people have charming stories to tell about the "curious" security procedures with which the TSA loves to keep passengers on their toes and off guard as they wonder if they will be flying on their flight today or off on some other adventure. Who knows what special new item from the dollar store they may be searching your body cavities for on the warning of a "top-secret" memorandum, or some other procedure they are doing to you that they thought up on their way to work, or just a hallucination because they forgot to take their prescriptions before work (or maybe took yours by accident while rifling through your bag)?
It has been documented that the TSA truly believes that all people are created equal, and they should be treated that way, too. Namely, badly. You may be a painter, obviously very old and sick, a big businessman, a drug dealer, a Federal air marshal, the pilot, or just some Congressperson or the President. The TSA you can be confident is going to make sure that no one is going to get on your plane without some poking and prodding at their fetus or urine bag or cast or whatever looks interesting, also the exploration of random body cavities, and finally anything else that comes to mind as they walk you through their irradiating full body radioactive scanners and visual ones, too, if you are lucky.
Most everyone has figured out by now that whether it was terrorists or cronies of "President" George "little shrub" Bush that snuck through the gauntlet on 9-11, the TSA for sure is the answer to our future safety because whoever did it will no doubt in the past decade have found it impossible to come up with any other new idea or thought that maybe they should try doing something else.
Once upon a time it was such a pleasure to fly overnight to places like Europe on Laker, Peoples' Express, Air Florida, Valujet (until they blew up one of their planes in flight and changed to the luckier name "Air Blue"), or Continental lying four seats across smoking cigarettes while what used to be called stewardesses brought you five drinks at a time from the "Pub in the Sky".
Nowadays, however, the whole air travel experience is just so much more fun! From start to finish. And as times have changed not only can you enjoy a little time in the airport bar before and after your flight as you once did. Now you can run through miles of corridors to distant gates at airports that are "connecting" you to flights that make you go backwards before you even get closer to your destination as you consume a full day flying from, say Kennedy to Newark, or San Antonio to Houston.
And wherever you go, their they are all dressed up and ready to surprise you with their newest search tricks and latest invasive technology! The TSA! We only hope that if they do not have one yet they soon get their own place in the Cabinet and their turn to command the United States' national security agencies for the day. Just remember, if you still even want to fly at all, or have no choice, smile to the TSA person, read them your boarding pass if that piece of paper stumps them, and hope that you are not the day's lucky candidate for the newest TSA medical search experiment.
So please think it over, even just the ring it has to it, "National Transportation Worker Day and Long Lunch". One more piece of the newer, safer, smarter America for the 21st Century. We'll see you in the aisle waiting in line for the one coach passenger restroom that still kind of works. Until then, have a safe flight and a good body search compliments of your Big Friend, the US Government.
Copyright 2011 Big M and Little L All World Rights Expressly Reserved
The Ninth Amendment proposes a new national holiday in their honor with a name something like "National Transportation Safety Administration Worker Day and Long Lunch". This name for the holiday not only conveys the dignity of the event and that of the women and men who serve in this patriotic position. It also reflects that they probably also would need to work on "their holiday" so Americans, or rather big businessman and top government official whose jets are in the shop, would not get angry that all the airports were closed.
Although many of us have experienced TSA gatekeepers napping on the floor, it does not get you as worried as the thought that there is a fair chance that your air traffic controller is asleep during your night flight. Or that your Northwest pilot and crew has been drinking all night and carries pot and pipes in their carry-on luggage which they light up and then allow autopilot safely to guide you home or at least land the plane somewhere before it runs out of gas and drinks and peanut mix.
After just a few short years of its being in existence, many many people have charming stories to tell about the "curious" security procedures with which the TSA loves to keep passengers on their toes and off guard as they wonder if they will be flying on their flight today or off on some other adventure. Who knows what special new item from the dollar store they may be searching your body cavities for on the warning of a "top-secret" memorandum, or some other procedure they are doing to you that they thought up on their way to work, or just a hallucination because they forgot to take their prescriptions before work (or maybe took yours by accident while rifling through your bag)?
It has been documented that the TSA truly believes that all people are created equal, and they should be treated that way, too. Namely, badly. You may be a painter, obviously very old and sick, a big businessman, a drug dealer, a Federal air marshal, the pilot, or just some Congressperson or the President. The TSA you can be confident is going to make sure that no one is going to get on your plane without some poking and prodding at their fetus or urine bag or cast or whatever looks interesting, also the exploration of random body cavities, and finally anything else that comes to mind as they walk you through their irradiating full body radioactive scanners and visual ones, too, if you are lucky.
Most everyone has figured out by now that whether it was terrorists or cronies of "President" George "little shrub" Bush that snuck through the gauntlet on 9-11, the TSA for sure is the answer to our future safety because whoever did it will no doubt in the past decade have found it impossible to come up with any other new idea or thought that maybe they should try doing something else.
Once upon a time it was such a pleasure to fly overnight to places like Europe on Laker, Peoples' Express, Air Florida, Valujet (until they blew up one of their planes in flight and changed to the luckier name "Air Blue"), or Continental lying four seats across smoking cigarettes while what used to be called stewardesses brought you five drinks at a time from the "Pub in the Sky".
Nowadays, however, the whole air travel experience is just so much more fun! From start to finish. And as times have changed not only can you enjoy a little time in the airport bar before and after your flight as you once did. Now you can run through miles of corridors to distant gates at airports that are "connecting" you to flights that make you go backwards before you even get closer to your destination as you consume a full day flying from, say Kennedy to Newark, or San Antonio to Houston.
And wherever you go, their they are all dressed up and ready to surprise you with their newest search tricks and latest invasive technology! The TSA! We only hope that if they do not have one yet they soon get their own place in the Cabinet and their turn to command the United States' national security agencies for the day. Just remember, if you still even want to fly at all, or have no choice, smile to the TSA person, read them your boarding pass if that piece of paper stumps them, and hope that you are not the day's lucky candidate for the newest TSA medical search experiment.
So please think it over, even just the ring it has to it, "National Transportation Worker Day and Long Lunch". One more piece of the newer, safer, smarter America for the 21st Century. We'll see you in the aisle waiting in line for the one coach passenger restroom that still kind of works. Until then, have a safe flight and a good body search compliments of your Big Friend, the US Government.
Copyright 2011 Big M and Little L All World Rights Expressly Reserved
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